Invasion of the Pre-Pregnancy Body Snatcher: A Wine-Induced Rant

I have always been a larger than average woman. Pre-pregnancy I would have considered my body to have an athletic-hourglass-shape. I have always worn clothes that were in the double digits size-wise. In high school (in Florida) I always wore shorts over my bikinis when in front of boys. My weight has always fluctuated: I gained about 20 pounds in college, lost it right after college when I joined my first gym, gained it back when I started seriously dating my husband, lost 35 pounds when I joined Weight Watchers and joined a dance company, and then gained about 20 of those pounds back over the next 5 years.

I have always worked out. When I was working downtown, I went to the gym 4-5 days a week before work. When I started working from home, I went 5 days a week (most weeks) first thing in the morning. Looking back I think I was in pretty good shape, but if you asked me then I would have said I was a fatty. And then I started trying to get pregnant in 2007...

First came the insulin pills to regulate my ovulation cycles (I have PCOS). It made me terribly sick to my stomach so I wasn't going to the gym as often...fast forward to 2008 when I started on fertility meds, which made me feel tired and lazy (could have all been in my head, and had something to do with the mild depression). Then the IUIs, which consisted of shooting myself with a needle every night, and resting for days around the actual procedure (I don't need to go to the gym...walking the dog 2 miles a day is the same as a spin class right?)...and then the time around the IVF where I didn't want to do anything physical (including walking the dog) for fear of messing with what was happening with my lady parts. Hello muffin top! Where did you come from?!

When I finally did get pregnant I was so scared that strenuous weight lifting and cardio would cause a miscarriage that I canceled my one gym membership and joined a gym that had a pool. In the beginning, when I still looked semi-decent in a bathing suit, I was swimming 3-4 days a week. And then around 7 months my swimming suit got too small for my giant belly and I pretty much gave up working out all together. Walking (I should say waddling) the pooch became strenuous enough on my whale of a body so that was all I was doing. And now I am not even doing that...

I also stopped tracking my weight when I tipped the scale 200 pounds, and let out an audible yelp at my 24 week appointment. From then on I looked skyward when my weight was taken.

Now, 6 weeks after giving birth, my body is unrecognizable. I have never had a flat tummy, but what I have now could be seen on any female contestant of the Biggest Loser. I still have the linea negra (the brown line on your tummy) -isn't that supposed to go away after birth??? And to my utter shock, I got stretch marks in the last few days of pregnancy. They were on the underside of my belly, which I couldn't see, but now they are front and center and totally disgusting. WTF baby??? How could you do this to me?!?

The other thing that is all funked up is my skin. My back is broken out all over, and I am getting zits in the oddest places...behind my ears?? HUH? My face has yet to feel the brunt of this zit-madness thank God.

I have always been a sweaty person, but for some reason now I feel like deodorant no longer covers my stank either (I hope my husband doesn't read this post :). I have tried three different kinds since having the baby and still I feel like I can smell myself come the afternoon. HOT.

My hair is another story...not on my head, but my face. They say that when you are pregnant your hair gets thicker because it isn't falling out as much. Well, why do I have a beard now? I should say, more of a beard than before I got pregnant as I am also a hairy person (I am laughing out loud as I type this...I should post a photo of myself so you don't think I am the bearded lady...I am not bad looking I swear!). I also feel like I have more hair under my arms than before, and even after shaving I still have darkness there. It is a mystery.

My boobs...where do I begin? They are gigantic, and saggy. And they hurt from all the pumping I am doing (I gave up breastfeeding and I am solely pumping right now). They are nothing but food-producing-udders for my daughter right now. Hands off hubby!

As for clothing, right now I am in no-mans land when it comes to my closet. My maternity clothing is too large, but my old clothes are still too small. So I am stuck wearing maternity jeans and constantly hiking them up so I don't look like a teenage boy from the late 90s. On a trip to the outlets today I had to purchase a larger than normal size of jeans so that I had one pair of pants that I could wear until I get my ass back in shape...

But will I ever be back in shape? I would take my pre-pregnancy-20-pounds-overweight-weight in a second right now. I think I would even give a toe to be able to fit into my normal jeans - maybe just the pinky toe. It is impossible for me to get back into the gym right now, so I have resorted to my Wii Fit and Wii Active - but even those I am having a hard time finding time to actually do.

When I was pregnant I thought my body would bounce back because everyone said that when you breastfeed/pump the weight just melts off. I so thought I would have all the time in the world to work out at home...the baby will be sleeping so much!

Everyone keeps telling me "You look great," but I just want to slap them. I know I am fat. I know I have a long way to go to get back to what I looked like before. I wish more people would say "have you had the baby yet?" and maybe I would have more motivation to get back in shape.

I wonder how much lipo costs... :)