For the love of Minnie Mouse, take the bottle! (A letter to my two month old daughter)

Dearest Val,

When you came into this world just two short months ago I knew my life was complete, and so was our wonderful family. You have brought so much joy to our lives in the little time you have been in the outside world. I love that you already have your own unique little personality. I can't wait to watch you and your sister grow up side by side and become the best of friends...but...

For the love of Minnie Mouse and your mother's sanity - TAKE THE DAMN BOTTLE!!

When I first put you to my boob it was love at first site - for you and my ginormous melons. You latched right away and went to town and started gaining weight like a high school wrestler trying to make his weight for a big match. We were told to wait until 3-5 weeks to introduce a bottle to you, as we didn't want to create "nipple confusion." You know what I say about nipple confusion? Eff nipple confusion. Eff it in the A.

We snuck two bottles in there before the 3-5 week mark and you took them unwillingly, but you took them. Then around 4 weeks we left you with your grandmother, for a whole hour and a half, and you refused to latch on to the silicone nipply goodness. Your grandmother actually called us to come home from your sister's school meeting because you were inconsolable and breaking her heart with your cries for boob!

We tried and tried for days to get you to latch onto that bottle with no luck. And in those days Mommy started to feel defeated. Am I to have no time away from your sweet little self? Yes I love you with all my heart, but I need my time away. I need my adult time, I need my alone time...I need to get the old Mommy back.

I even sought out the help of a professional at Isis, and tried all of her tried and true tips for getting a breastfed baby to take a bottle. We have tried 5 different brands of bottles - and you have refused them all.

4 nights ago while trying for the third time that day, I was actually able to get you to take an ounce of freshly squeezed b-milk from the bottle (Momma by Lansinoh brand). I had reached my breaking point and looked down at your little face going to town on the bottle and broke down in tears. I was overwhelmed with joy and thought there was finally a light at the end of the tunnel. No longer would I have to turn down offers for fabulous dinners and nights out on the town with friends! Daddy could finally take some of the feedings at night! Mommy was back baby!!

But you teased me Val. I thought you were on your way to bottle town, but no, you just teased me with your latch on that bottle that night. Since then, nothing. Since then I have wasted many ounces of breast milk trying to get you to take a bottle again. You now gag and cry whenever it comes near you, which in turn leads mommy to tears. I thought it was the beginning of Mommy's freedom, but no it was just a fluke.

I am begging you, sweet baby Val, take the bottle!! I am not asking for  you to give up the boob, not by any means. Your precious mama jugs are here for the taking all day long, but I need a break here and there, and if you want to eat when Mommy isn't around, you need to take that silicone nipple in your mouth and show it who's boss!! I don't know how much longer Mommy can go being attached at the boob to you with no freedom in site.

It is breaking my spirit, and Mommy is losing the happy and fun Mommy she used to be. I don't want to have to give Daddy guilt trips when he is out doing adult things, and going to work dinners and drinks with friends as I stay home with you and your sister. Mommy wants to take a shower and get dressed up (in something that doesn't require me to have direct access to my boobs) and actually put some make-up on and have some adult conversation with friends. And booze! I miss my booze...BLURG.

So if you love your Mommy, Val, you will read this letter (she is a genius at 2 months of course) and cut your Mommy a break and take the damn bottle!! Pretty please?!?! I promise to buy you a pony!!