My Not-So-Real Housewives Rant

My Real Housewives tag line:
"I used to be the Lady of the dance floor, but now I am Queen of boogers and poop."

I have watched every single episode that has ever aired of every single Real Housewives franchise.

Phew. Felt good to get that off my chest. (Queue husband shivering in disgust.)

I have been watching since Lori was working as a receptionist at Vicki's company back in the first season of OC. I remember Nene as a brunette. I also remember Bethenny living in a tiny one bedroom apartment and dating some bald dude named Jason (not Hoppy). I even suffered through the madness that was RH of DC - and secretly wish they brought that franchise back because those ladies were highly entertaining (who doesn't like a White House party scandal!)

I could resist this photo of RHoA season 1. Yikes!

I used to really enjoy watching each season. The characters were so much more normal than they are now. Sure they went to extravagant parties, but that wasn't the focus of every episode. You saw their every day lives, and their struggle to raise normal kids, or to seriously find love. It was entertaining, and unlike anything else on television.

Of course, I still watch today, but I don't enjoy it. I actually loathe the show, and everyone on each franchise. My husband says this to me all the time, "how can you watch something when you hate everyone on it? It doesn't make sense!?" It doesn't make sense! But I cannot miss an episode for some reason! I need to see what insane hi-jinx these nut jobs with weaves get up to each week.

The shows have gotten seriously ridiculous. They are so set-up and scripted these days they are like a completely different show from the first seasons. Each week they set up the ladies (and now the husbands/boyfriends play a big part) in some ridiculous scenario and tell someone to bring up some bit of juicy gossip that will ignite a huge fight between the cast mates, which lately sometimes even comes to blows. It is a train wreck.

Each season the ladies get more plastic surgery, looking more and more like middle aged Barbie dolls who can't close their eyes. They all now drive Range Rovers - have you noticed that? They all wear so much make-up - what is it with the fake eyelashes??? Why do they all have to wear them every moment of each day? Do people in real life do that? Not in Boston, that is for sure.

When does a reality show stop being a reality show? When you are paying the cast mates up to $1 million per season. It was just released that Nene Leaks (Bloop! I still love her!) is the highest paid housewife, raking in one million per season. Teresa Giudice (the most painful to watch I think) comes in at second making $650k a year!

Hey Bravo, how about this for a show - you actually show what a REAL housewife does during the day! For instance, I am on my second load of deep-sanitizing laundry because my dog won't stop peeing on our beds! I took my daughter to school this morning while wearing sweatpants, crazy hair and yesterday's mascara. I just flushed some tiny poops that were in my daughter's diaper down the toilet, but when I opened the diaper over the toilet one poop went rogue and bounced off the seat onto the floor. Now that's television!!! It may not make for great television but it is what REAL housewives do.

Nothing about the show is real anymore. Women don't fight like that in real life. Women don't really fight! I have gotten in one fight with a friend in my entire life, and an hour later we were hugging and crying over how ridiculous it was, and we never fought again. I guess that is why my life would make terrible television.

Here is a question for you - if you have a sketchy past or have done anything illegal in your life, why on earth would you go on a reality television show? There is no way you are going to be able to hide anything now that your life is an open book! It is just sad how all of these cast member's skeletons are coming out of their closets now.

And what is even sadder is to watch marriages implode every season (PS. I called it from day one that Bethenney and Jason Hoppy were never going to make it as well as Ramona and her husband - next up to divorce are Phaedra and Apollo - you heard it here first!) Vicki and Don. The Countess and the Count. Nene and Gregg (only to be remarried in a later season). Adrienne and Paul. Porsha and Kordell (everyone saw that coming!) Frasier and Camille!

I could go on...I could talk about the ridiculous attempts at singing careers made (Kim Zolciak is still the worst, with Gretchen Rossi a close second - never mind they are tied for first - who told them they could sing?), the silly attempts at launching their own product lines (Gretchen Rossi again here - holy hideous bags, and Lynn with those insane cuff bracelets) and all of the cast members who are now bankrupt, but I must go watch last night's RH of Bev Hills because I need to see what the crazy pants Carlton is upset about now. Actually I shouldn't bring up her name because she might cast a spell on me!